Introduction
How you talk and listen to someone impacts your interpersonal relationships positively or negatively. Even with this awareness, sometimes it is good to be instructed on how to be more effective with your communication with others, especially in a marriage. A workbook that can help with defining communication styles is the book, Collaborative Marriage Skills (2007) found on Amazon.
Overview
Here is a SUMMARY of what information to expect from this valuable manual designed by Interpersonal Communication Programs, Inc. (IPC) to reduce tensions and resolve differences so that mutual respect helps with making satisfying decisions together.
Small Talk and Conventional Listening
This workbook breaks down four different talking styles and how those styles correspond to a listening style. For example, “Small Talk” initiates “Conventional listening.” An example of this chit chat or light conversation helps facilitate the coming and going of a relationship. It is commonly friendly and cordial. It helps us to feel connected and confident with each other and helps with knowing how well each one is doing. Topics discussed can be topics of interest. It also is part of sharing activities without having to deal with unresolved issues within the relationship. Without this simple, non-threatening interaction with each other, the connection can feel distant. The chapters go into further detail about what nonverbals accompany this sort of talk and the ways this surface talking style benefits the relationship. Another surface talk category discussed in the workbook is “Shop Talk” which involves business-like details that are part of daily living. “Shop Talk keeps things moving and organized, but if that’s all there is for you as a couple, your relationship lacks vitality” (p.15).
Control Talk and Evaluative Listening
“Control Talk” tries to invite agreement or compliance within a relationship which generally involves “Evaluative Listening.” This sort of listening evaluates whether force is being used in the talk and nonverbals. If so, this talking type breaks down into “Fight Talk” or “Spite Talk” which then shifts to “Reactive Listening.” Control Talk intends to be constructive as one presents or persuades their present position. Yet, if force and/or resistance results from this ‘take charge,’ authoritative style with direct and commanding tones it tips the listening style to a defensiveness that is found in reactive listening. Common terminology in these talking styles focuses on a power position that tries to teach or supervise. Cues someone in the conversation is using this talking style will use the word “you” (spoken or implied). Declarations and assumptions are the default, as well as should, ought, have to, must imperatives. Statements phrased as questions taint the conversation as well as superlatives such as always, never, and every statement. “If Control Talk goes on constantly with one or both of you power is a struggle in your relationship” (p.17) which brings in distance, tension, and misunderstanding.
Both Fight Talk and Spite Talk broadcast anger and a disregard for individual contributions leaving the relationship with a lose/win or lose/lose, zero-sum outcome.
Search Talk
An open and rational way of talking in this interpersonal theory is “Search Talk.” This style of talk “examines facts, suggests options, and gains an overview” of the big picture. One trap in this talking style is it focuses more on the “past or future” experiences over the present. It is a safe approach to exploring maybes and possibilities. It helps to shift from the argumentative place that control talk brings. “Your Search Talk as a couple shows your willingness to approach and deal with issues” (p.24).
Aware Talk and Attentive Listening
“Aware Talk” style embraces disclosure and vulnerability that is left out of the other talk styles. Self-advocacy is not shared in a protest way but more from a positive action in acknowledging the value of each member in the relationship. Differences and conflict do not involve “blaming, defending, or deceiving” (p.25) but rather in an effort to seek collaboration and resolution which can strengthen the relationship. “Using Aware Talk” as a couple enables you to discuss things of importance to either or both of you at a deeper level” (p.27). This is where “Attentive Listening” lives.
Conclusion
This is a brief synopsis that doesn’t show how effective the “Awareness Wheel” is designed to improve interpersonal communication, but it’s evidence that this workbook and marriage theory are worth a read.
Reference
Miller, S., Miller, P., Nummally, E.W. (2007) Collaborative Marriage Skills: Couples Communication 1. Interpersonal Communication Programs, Inc.
