Introduction: Understanding Grief and Loss
Oftentimes, we associate grief with the intense feelings of sadness and loss that accompany the death of a loved one. In reality, grief is much more prevalent and can accompany a wide range of human experiences, including losing a job, experiencing health problems, unmet expectations in life, financial loss, significant life changes, and many more. According to the American Psychological Association, “grief is the anguish experienced after significant loss, usually the death of a beloved person… grief may also take the form of regret for something lost, remorse for something done, or sorrow for a mishap to oneself.”
Grief is deeper than typical sadness and is not something that you can simply “get over” or “push through.”
Common Misconceptions About Grief
One of the most well known misconceptions of grief is the “stages of grief” model, which includes denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While it is true that these emotions typically accompany grief, it is incorrect to assume that everyone will experience all of these stages, and that they will occur in this order. This assumption further enforces the idea that grief is something you can eventually “get over” once you work through all the stages.
In reality, feelings of grief surrounding a particular loss may resurface many times throughout your life. This model can be very helpful in normalizing some of the emotions that accompany grief, but I would caution you to avoid placing expectations on yourself to move through all of the stages in a predictable order. I would also caution you to avoid placing a “finish line” on grief. Your grief may arise many times throughout your life and that is okay.
Another common misconception about grief is that “time heals all wounds.” While this may be true for some losses we face in life, there are some losses we experience that are so intense, the grief we feel for them may never completely go away. This does need to be a discouraging or hopeless fact. Rather, it can be a hopeful reminder that our feelings are valid. We do not need to place unrealistic expectations on ourselves that “in ____ years I will be ok” or “when ____ happens I will be able to move forward.” We can also prepare to extend ourselves extra grace and patience when triggers bring up feelings of grief, even years down the line.
Navigating Grief During the Holidays
The holidays can be a particularly difficult time for navigating grief and loss. There are many reasons why the holidays may be an especially difficult season of grief:
- Traditions and memories that once brought joy during the holidays, can be a painful reminder of the loss.
- Unspoken pressures to participate in holiday celebrations can take a toll on mental health.
- Anticipation of the holidays can sometimes trigger feelings of grief stronger than the actual holiday.
During the holidays it is important to recognize potential triggers and extend yourself grace during this time. You do not need to put on a cheerful face and “do it all” for the sake of those around you. It is ok to acknowledge your feelings and take care of yourself. Some ways to do this include setting boundaries, creating new traditions, asking for help, sharing memories, and volunteering. One of the greatest strengths you can rely on at this time is connection. Try to avoid isolating yourself, even if it means the holidays look a little different than before.
Coping with Grief
Coping with grief will look different for everyone and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. It may take some time to find what works for you. There is also no correct timeline for grieving. Try to avoid using untrue “should” statements like “I should be over this by now” or “this shouldn’t be so hard for me.”
First and foremost, it is important to ensure that your basic needs are met, such as proper sleep, nutrition, exercise, and safety. Rely on your support network. Talking about your grief and loss with friends, family, a support group, or a therapist can be a powerful way to give voice to your emotions.
Try calming strategies like deep breathing, yoga, prayer, or meditation. Honor your memories through journaling, looking at photos, singing, or sharing memories with someone close to you. Allow yourself to feel. Give space for both positive and negative emotions.
Plan for triggers. Recognize that anniversaries, holidays, or birthdays may be more difficult. Plan to exercise self-care on these days.
Conclusion
Grief is a deeply personal and unique experience. We will all, at some time or another, experience grief in our lives, but no two experiences are exactly the same. Hope and healing are possible, even in the deepest abyss of grief. Allow yourself time and recognize that grief is not linear. As we approach the holidays, remember to take care of yourself and rely on your support network.
