Introduction: Understanding Boundaries
Boundaries are the limits we set for ourselves in our relationships with others. They define what is ok for us and what is not ok for us. Healthy boundaries are characterized by having a clear “why,” using “I” statements, being assertive, respectful, and flexible, having clear consequences, and being accountable to yourself and others.
Types of Boundaries
There are several different types of boundaries that we encounter every single day in our relationships with others. These boundaries include:
Physical Boundaries
These are boundaries that protect your physical space. Who are you comfortable with touching you/ being in your physical space? In what way? When?
Intellectual Boundaries
These are boundaries that protect your thoughts and ideas. What are you comfortable talking about? Who are you comfortable talking about these things with? When?
Time Boundaries
These are boundaries that protect your time. How do you want to prioritize your time? Who do you want to spend time with? How much?
Emotional Boundaries
These are boundaries that protect your feelings, emotions, and moods. What do you need in order to feel emotionally safe? How do you separate your emotions from the emotions of others?
Digital Boundaries
These are boundaries that help people manage their use of technology and online activities. These boundaries include time limits, content restrictions, and honoring your feelings.
Financial Boundaries
These are boundaries that protect your financial wellbeing and they can be personal and interpersonal. They include how you budget, how much you spend on wants vs needs, how you split funds for an outing with friends, or if/how much you are willing to lend to family and friends.
Sexual Boundaries
These are boundaries that protect you in any sexual context. How are you comfortable being touched and spoken to? In what way and for how long? These boundaries include receiving consent for all activities in a sexual context.
It is important to recognize that all of these boundaries vary situation to situation and person to person. What you may be comfortable doing or talking about with someone in one context, may not be ok in a different context (example: you may be comfortable kissing and hugging your partner in private but it makes you uncomfortable to do those things in public). It may be a helpful activity to take an inventory of specific boundaries you have in each of these categories. Are there boundaries that are currently being crossed that you need to strengthen? Are there boundaries you have done a good job of setting? What do these boundaries look like for you?
Boundary Styles
There are also different boundary styles: Rigid, Porous, and Healthy.
Rigid Boundaries
Someone with these boundaries may set very strict boundaries for themselves and hold other people at a distance, both physically and emotionally, in order to avoid rejection. These individuals may have difficulty asking for help and may be very protective of their personal information.
Porous Boundaries
These boundaries are loose and poorly defined. Someone with these boundaries may have difficulty saying “no,” and overshare personal information. These individuals may also be overly invested in other’s problems and reliant on the opinions of others.
Healthy Boundaries
These boundaries are a happy medium between rigid and porous. Someone with healthy boundaries does not compromise their values for others, values their own opinion, knows and communicates their wants and needs, and accepts “no” from others.
Strategies for Setting Healthy Boundaries
Have a Clear “Why”
Understanding the why behind your boundaries will make it easier to maintain them and communicate them with others. This may require some self evaluation to determine what you are and are not comfortable with and why. For example, if you have a friend that likes to call you three times a week to catch up, but these calls tend to overwhelm you, it may be helpful to identify that these calls cause you stress because they take away time from your already busy schedule and you are falling behind on work and household tasks. With this understanding in mind, you can respectfully explain this to your friend and set a clearer boundary that you would like the calls to only happen once a week or every other week. If your friend continues to call, you can be accountable to yourself and maintain this boundary by only answering the phone once a week or every other week.
Use “I” Statements
Using “I” statements when setting and maintaining boundaries is an important factor in being accountable and respectful. This means taking ownership of your boundary. For example, if you are setting an intellectual boundary about what you are comfortable talking about with someone, this would look like, “I don’t feel comfortable discussing politics and I would appreciate it if we steered clear of this topic. I do enjoy engaging in conversation with you, and these are some topics I do feel comfortable discussing…” An unhealthy and unclear boundary may sound like, “you need to stop trying to talk to me about politics, you are rude and argumentative and it is not fun to talk to you.” While these things may be true, the way we express them is important.
Be Assertive, Respectful, and Flexible
These three key qualities can help ensure that your boundary setting conversations are successful. Being assertive in your boundary setting means using firm and clear language, and communicating consequences for crossing that boundary. For example, this may look like saying “I need… because… and if this need is not met I will…” Being respectful means recognizing that we are all human and in many cases, people may not recognize that they are even crossing your boundary. Being able to assume the best of those around you and communicate your boundaries respectfully is a great start to having these conversations. Lastly, being flexible does not mean that you allow people to walk over your boundaries. Rather, it means being able to adapt your boundaries from situation to situation. This will give you room to grow and change overtime.
Have Clear Consequences
The word consequences might carry a negative connotation for you but ultimately what it means is having a clear understanding of what will happen if someone crosses your boundaries, and being able to communicate this to them. Consequences may include excusing yourself from a social setting when a topic you are uncomfortable with arises, not answering calls after a certain hour, or even a follow up conversation addressing your boundaries and why they need to be maintained. Consequences vary from situation to situation but deciding in advance what your consequences are will make it easier to act on them if the need arises.
Be Accountable to Yourself and Others
At the end of the day, it is important to remember that boundaries are for YOU to help you feel safe, comfortable, and authentic. Setting healthy boundaries requires you to be accountable to yourself in maintaining them. Follow up on your consequences and be compassionate with yourself and others when boundaries need to be reinforced. This point can be best highlighted by a quote from Brene Brown that states, ““Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”
Be Prepared
One of the best ways to take some of the stress out of setting boundaries is to prepare in advance. You can do this by either writing down or discussing with someone you trust, when, where, and how you will set your boundaries. Even role-playing boundary setting can be a great way to prepare for how the conversation will go. Doing this with someone you trust can also provide an accountability partner to make sure you follow through, and a support system to turn to after difficult conversations.
Conclusion
It is no secret that setting boundaries can be uncomfortable and difficult, especially with people who are close to us or play a big role in our lives. As you engage in the process of setting boundaries, remember to give yourself grace and compassion and be proud of yourself for doing something hard! Ultimately, healthy boundaries with yourself and with others will allow you to be your most compassionate, genuine, and authentic self. You will see benefits in your emotional regulation, self-esteem, stress levels, and your relationships with others will be strengthened.
